Different Style of Courtesy

KongZheng Shi
ESL 100
Jan 5, 2011

Different Style of Courtesy

Styles of courtesy are different between counties and societies. I have learned traditional Buddhist courtesy since I became a Buddhist nun. For more than twenty years I have, upon meeting people, always obeyed the Buddhist custom of smiling and saying “Amitoufo” with palms together. However in America, it is difficult to obey some Buddhist rules, and, as a result, I feel a loss at those times when I am trying to follow the styles of courtesy of America.

I realize there are different styles of courtesy associated with different feelings although different responses may have the same meaning. Most Chinese people usually shake hands with each other and reserve hugging for serious occasions. In America people like to hug each other to show casual affection. Whether male or female, they may hug each other even when meeting the first time. In 2002, I joined a mourning ceremony with an American family. I was thinking of using my Buddhism style of courtesy---putting my palms to together for them. When an old man suddenly came over to hug me, my subconscious mind pushed me to withdraw. I became speechless with a red face; it made me embarrassed. He was also perplexed. I thought that he was very rude because in Buddhism just putting their palms together with a little bow means respect.

Buddhism always shows that being courteous is sacred. In China people are unlikely do a behavior that would seem strange to others. For example, people would not smile at someone they don’t know. Younger girls have to be especially careful when in the company of a man they do not know, but in America strangers often smile at each other. They even wink and make signs to one another. I know that this is part of an easy- going attitude, which is cultural. In China it would likely be interpreted as indicating you love them, or they may think you are degrading them. In other words, if a girl sees a man doing this to her, maybe she thinks men are not respectful and she will become afraid of men. This person may be frivolous and a bad man. In Buddhism, people can always smile at people, but they cannot wink or make faces that are frivolous toward other people because the Buddha is holy and every belief is serious. Smiling means kindness. Loving-kindness and compassion are greatly valued and seen as the mind of Buddha’s teachings. By practicing this way, a person becomes a mind of Buddha. This represents being mindful of how sacred Buddha is.

Another major difference between American and Buddhism culture is when people gather to eat. Before Buddhists start their meal, they chant and make offerings to the Buddha. They show appreciation for the donation of the meal and feel gratitude as well as compassion for the people who prepared it. During meal times Buddhists often eat in total silence in order to be mindful. Americans talk during meals and use this time to be social and discuss their day. They are less mindful of what they are eating. If I am silence during a meal with American friends, they wonder why she is so quiet? Perhaps she is not social or is dissatisfied with the food. The teaching of the Buddha is that food is not for entertainment, not for intoxication, not for fattening, not for beautification, but merely to maintain this body for the continuation of life. Buddhists do not desires and attachments to delicious food. Therefore, this is a major difference of customs between American and Buddhism.

As a Buddhist nun living in America, I have realized that there may be different styles of courtesy between countries and societies. However, I remain faithful to my culture and beliefs. I continue to put my palms together for people. I will also continue to smile to people and say “Amituofo,” even when meeting the first time. However, even after all this time in America, I sometimes feel lost when following American culture. I think that if the Buddha were alive today, he would tell us to follow the American customs in a kind and compassionate way. In some situations it might be helpful for Americans to be more mindful and see the value of Buddhist teachings.